I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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