How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
MIDGETS
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