i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
