just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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