dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He did a backflip because drugs
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