Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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