giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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