no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
