At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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