Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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