I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
