people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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