Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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