Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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