I think I am morally bankrupt
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
