i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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