and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
