if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
