dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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