I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
no, he came in my armpit
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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