I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
