Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
