Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
