That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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