my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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