Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
