Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
