i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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