just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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