I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
a search helicopter?!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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