i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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