what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
