How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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