If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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