If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
