Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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