They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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