I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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