yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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