my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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