I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
