Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Damn victory sex feels great
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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