We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just cropdusted the office
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
