i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
