Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
