Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
