Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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