come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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