I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
