How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
