Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
