Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
operation have a gay friend backfired
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
