I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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