I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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