You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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