I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
