I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
