Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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