I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
