You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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