I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
