Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
