My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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