i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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