hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
