he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
