Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
